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Post by Me-Nuriko on Oct 4, 2004 15:48:57 GMT -5
Different sides of your personality, yes. But there are moments when you can choose not to show yourself. I think it's common especially for kids in school, not to show the real person because they are scared. The group pressure can make you say things, and act in a way that is not you at all. Or when you fall in love for the first time. You do everything for the other person, but it may not be the real you. Of course, that will probably mean that the relationship won't last. There can also be the reason of not hurting anyone. That can happen when you're with relatives and don't want them to be ashamed of you, or disappointed in you.
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Post by kitsuneoni on Oct 5, 2004 5:14:39 GMT -5
What you mentioned was the rift between my best friend and I. She always had to follow the crowd, do things to "fit in" which annoyed me because I knew it wasn't her at all, she herself told me that it wasn't, yet she continued to do it... *frown*
I agree that there are different aspects to a persons' personality, and that people can change, but I think the only excuse for such complete hypocrisy is schizophrenia.
I'm still a bit touchy about that subject, as you might have noticed. *sigh*
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Post by Me-Nuriko on Oct 5, 2004 5:32:32 GMT -5
I don't say it's right to wear masks. Just trying to explain why people sometimes choose to wear them. There is always a reason for everything we do, and no one else but ourselves can fully understand how we feel. Your friend, who chose to follow the group instead of being herself, had probably a reason that to her was a good one. To see it from the outside can be both sad, and difficult to understand, especially as she obviously wasn't alone, she had you. The choices we make can be the wrong ones, and sometimes we don't even see it. If other helps us we might be able to see it, but only if they truly can reach our hearts. Oops, starting to sound sappy here, I think. Nevertheless I hope you get what I mean. (Here's the difficulty with all kind of communication. To really get someone else to understand what you mean, whether by spoken or written communication.)
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Post by cesmith on Oct 5, 2004 5:33:38 GMT -5
It's hard when someone you care about is making a choice that you feel is a wrong one. Sometimes, as a friend, we just need to be there. I think a lot of us want to "fit" into a group and have lots of friends. It takes a lot of strength to be yourself and stand out. Not all people can do that. Online me vs offline me- pretty close to the same, with a little more temper in real life and if possible, more talkative. kitsune-oni, hugs to help
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Post by kitsuneoni on Oct 5, 2004 5:51:41 GMT -5
Thanks... *hugs*
It's just hard to be there for someone who's never there for you. So I told her so a couple months ago, and she said sorry but also "You wouldn't understand" and junk like that so I've just decided to let her be. (I actually have a very long fuse, but when I blow I EXPLODE. I've been told I'm scary when I'm mad, lol).
We can't run around like crazy after others, anyway, especially if they don't want it.
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Post by cesmith on Oct 5, 2004 6:11:21 GMT -5
I have a long fuse too. When I start to blow I can Literally start to shake with anger, so I know when I've hit the breaking point.
Running after others can only make things worse and drive them farther away. I left one of my best friends with the parting words, I'm here if you ever need to talk. Did she, no. But she knew I still cared, if she ever needed to.
The truth is, people do change, for better or worse. We change and the people that comfort us and are our friends, change. I really believe change is just part of being alive. Good or bad, happy or sad, it's part of us.
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Post by kitsuneoni on Oct 5, 2004 7:31:07 GMT -5
I just know when I've reached my limit because suddenly something happens and I'm really, really mad.
And this is a problem when it comes to communication because how can you explain a whole years' worth of grieviences (however you spell that)? Sometimes people don't listen and they think I'm so mad about something small, but really it's just suddenly all come back to me.
It's not like it's building up and I repress the anger, it's just suddenly my minds screams, "ENOUGH!"
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Post by cesmith on Oct 5, 2004 16:19:39 GMT -5
I guess you might want to start by taking each problem as it comes, and not letting it build up. Since you have such a high tolerence for feeling anger, maybe if something annoys you, you should probably solve it as it happens. It's hard for most people to deal with problems that span a long period of time, and so they focus on the last thing that happened, the thing that made you blow. Too many complaints or too much criticism at once usually will make people defensive. One or two comments at a time most people can deal with and work out.
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Post by kanshu on Oct 6, 2004 1:33:16 GMT -5
I have a fairly 'short fuse' when something really pushes my buttons. But I usually calm down fast if I see that I was mistaken... of course, by that time a lot of damage can be done already. When I'm agry, I get very aggressive and sarcastic - I try to think in "comic language" then, with skulls and fist and the #!"§$§$%$ type of symbols. It helps a lot. Criticism makes me defensive that moment, but it doesn't bounce off - I think about it and analyse it, and usually realize that the person had a point. Then again, I'm a person who hates to be lied to, so I prefer the full truth (even if it makes me defensive) over some sugarcoating. cesmith: "Things that don't change are boring," as Kanzeon put it.
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Post by kitsuneoni on Oct 6, 2004 2:31:33 GMT -5
Yeah I know I should say things when they annoy me, but they seem so silly at the moment I just brush it off with a "whatever" (trademark saying of mine).
When I'm angry I'm very sarcastic, very biting and quite aggressive. When I'm really mad, I don't swear at all and I get real quiet.
Criticism also makes me defense, but I think everyone feels that way to some level. However I never brush it off, because it makes me analyze myself (if it has truth in it).
A good thing about the written word is you can voice criticism *a lot* easier, since you can reread what you say to make sure it sounds okay. It's also easier to help those who you don't know at all because you have an objective viewpoint.
When my friend began writing fanfiction she really wasn't good at it, but I wanted her to improve and be successful. I knew, however, that she'd be a bit touchy if I, someone she knows well, would critique her work. So I pretended to be someone else and therefore could be more honest (never mean though!) and she improved quite a lot, if I may say so myself.
I felt a little guilty because she started confiding in "me" and asking for my opinion in her problems. It was a lot easier to say what I wanted to say, though.
Of course the misunderstanding thing still applies, and criticizing work is different from doing it to a person.
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Post by Me-Nuriko on Oct 6, 2004 5:32:10 GMT -5
Yes, criticizing the work is very different from criticizing the person. The latter is something that should be avoided. If my work gets criticized I always first feel a sting of sorrow, but if the criticism is valid then that feeling soon is over and I feel greatful for the help. I really want to improve, and criticism is the way to get that to happen. From early years I got used not to show my anger. My parents took me to a councelor because I was so angry at first. Later I heard in school, that I was always so cheerful, never angry or sad, whatever happened to me or people said to me. But here is where my mask was shown. At home I showed a little more, but not as much as I wanted. It took me many, and I mean many, years, before I started to feel okay being angry again. Unfortunately I now can show too much of a temper instead.
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Post by cesmith on Oct 6, 2004 15:34:35 GMT -5
OptoMoose- Kanzeon's quote is one that I truly believe in. Change is hard, but it keeps things alive and fresh and keeps us ready for anything.
kitsune-oni- did you ever tell your friend the truth, that it was you critiquing her work?
I used to be angry a lot, but I learned I had to deal with the little things so they didn't become a big Adult temper tantrum. It's so much easier to talk through things daily than allowing them to go and the fight fair rule HAS to apply. Only talk about the problem not name calling, etc.. I think I appreciate things more because I don't have feel frustrated about slights or injustices, I just deal with them.
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Post by kellen on Oct 6, 2004 21:29:13 GMT -5
Kellen's catching up... I live not far from Mt St Helens and also work with Disaster Relief so I've been VERY busy. It's not every day a volcano starts trying to blow... Anyway... I've read this thread with a lot of interest. I've found a lot of similarities to my own personality and characteristics. My masks do kinda fall off over the 'net. I'm the random, rambly person that only my closest friends and relatives know. You know, those people who will be very patient with my stuttering and such and never, never talk down to me b/c of it. On the 'net, it's different because I can say what I'm thinking, whether its totally off the wall or not, and there's a satisfaction in that, in expressing myself. That's the reason I put forth a lot of effort sometimes in order to write and post. As for anger... I have a pretty long fuse, but when I reach that breaking point, I have been known to be both scary and foolhardy. Facing down a police officer who's mistaken me for someone else in a parking lot probably wasn't the smartest thing I've ever done, but having his apology in front of his captain was pretty satisfying. LoL. I don't swear or yell when I reach that point. It's the quiet voice, when I do speak, that warns people off. That and I stop stuttering. My best friend knows that if I'm not having trouble speaking, I'm nearly to the point of some serious anger. Anyway, I'm just rambling now... cheers,Kellen
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Post by kitsuneoni on Oct 7, 2004 2:29:18 GMT -5
cesmith -- yes, I did tell her and she said thanks and all but she hasn't asked me for help anymore. pity.
I've never been ashamed or anything to show anger, especially at home with family. It's just I'm more patient with friends. That doesn't mean I'm always happy and cheerful, whatever happens. If something hurts me I'll say so, or make a sarcastic remark.
The trouble with the spoken word, though, is that you can't really take back what you say.
Verba volant, scripta manent (i'm not sure how to spell that)
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Post by cesmith on Oct 7, 2004 6:23:50 GMT -5
I know what you mean about not being able to take back the spoken word. Sometimes I wish there was a reset button for life...I've said more than my share of hurtful words. That's why I sometimes write things out to my kids when I want to tell them something. It usually gets edited A LOT. Or I'll think through what I want to say before I approach them. I almost never have a confrontation when I'm angry anymore. We'll growl at each other until we're both calm enough to talk.
It's sad about your friend not looking for advice from you once she knew it was you.
We're always more patient with our friends. If we get angry with them, we know they can leave and we don't want that. Our families are usually stuck with us, for better or worse, so we can USUALLY vent our emotions more freely.
Kellen Mt St Helenes? I've been watching about it on the news. What do you do with Disaster Relief? You're far enough away, right? Stay safe.
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