Talespin Outline

[stavner]

I've got an outline for a Talespin fanfic that some people might think is a little too weird, or at least outside of continuity. Is it okay if I post it here, for critique?

[Admin]

Posting the outline is okay - after all, this is the Plotbunny section.

[stavner]

Critiques are welcome, but with one caveat: I already know that this kind of story does not quite fit into the TS canon, or with what we know about Rebecca Cunningham from the series. The way I see it, this is a part of Becky's past that she managed to keep secret; this story can also be considered a "what if" type story.

The story begins with Becky getting out of a jeep at the site Richard is excavating. He’s doing a preliminary survey of a recently-discovered lost temple of Sekhmet, the ancient Egyptian goddess of divine wrath. Richard fills us in on Sekhmet’s background, while he uncovers an artifact and Becky smiles at him.

Then some demons come out of the ground and drag Richard under. Becky wonders what to do, when she hears the voice of Sekhmet, who promises to help Becky save her husband, in return for a small favor. Becky agrees, and the ground opens up, and Becky falls into an underground chamber.

Becky learns that there are several traps set by the demons that she must solve to survive. One is a trap where she has to figure out the pattern of these giant stone wheels that keep sliding through different parts of this passageway; another is an ancient riddle, which Sekhmet translates for Becky; a third involves going past a huge treasure, without picking anything up, which might be a little hard for Becky.... When Becky solves the last of the traps, she faces the demons, who are about to kill Richard. Becky is filled with some of Sekhmet’s power, and becomes a huge, powerful monster! She defeats the demons, then turns to face Richard. Richard becomes frightened and holds up a golden mirror to protect himself. Becky sees her face in the mirror, and is horrified. She changes back, while crying, and Sekhmet tells her the little “favor”–Becky must become the monster whenever there is an evil that must be stopped. The story ends with Becky and Richard leaving the underground chamber, wondering what to do next.

[kanshu]

I'm not familiar with the Tailspin universe, but I have some general thoughts.

- I don't know how the relationship between Becky and her husband works, but the idea of him telling and her just listening and smiling during the conversation sound... well, kind of boring. If it's in character for her, okay. Otherwise, she might ask the one or other question about Sekmeth and/or the excavation he's doing.
- I assume that Becky is extremly worried, or that there is another reason why she doesn't ask about the nature of the "favor". Again, this is a matter of characterization, and I don't know if it's in character for Becky not to ask, or plain act rather than think if her husband is in danger.
- The traps sounds okay, even if a bit cliche (Indiana Jones, anyone? ). Then again, I guess that ancient temples just have a limited repertoire of traps... However, the question arises why the demons set up the traps in the first place and steal Richard. Were they upset about him digging in sacred ground? Were they plain bored? What made them think that Becky would be able to follow them underground? Also, you only set traps of you want certain people to pass, and the rest to be squashed. These are demons, who obviously have some sort of magic powers. Why would they set up traps that can be circumvented by humans, when all they needed to do was to set up some strong magic barrier to keep Becky out permanently?
- The part about the last test and finding the demons makes me wonder about the logistics. If the demons ar eabout to kill Richard, and Becky has to pass by that treasure pile, then with the way you describe the plot here, you'd have those things happen right next to each other, more or less in the same room.
Why doesn't Becky see him, or at least hear him? Also, this makes me wonder: why don't the demons just kill Richard straight away rather than going through all the trouble of kidnapping him, setting up traps and stuff, and risking to lose their sacrifice in the end?
- The mirror: Uhm... Again, I don't know the characters, but to me, holding up a mirror (and wher did he get that from, in the first place? Archeologist First Aid Kid? TRusted companion because wifey needs it every time she drops by?) would not be my first instinct when I'd face a monster. Not even if I know that the monster is my beloved wife. Especially not if that wifey-monster just ripped some demons apart and is now seemingly drooling for some hubby-meat.
Does Richard try to communicate with her? Why does he think that the mirror will help?
- Becky's reaction: The reaction to her looks seem believable (again, I don't know anything about the character). What is her reaction to her slaying the demons (and did she just try to free Richard in the end, or did she try to attack him?), and was she aware that she changed in the first place?
- Sekhmet's favor: Sekhmet really tricked Becky. What's her reaction, outside of the couple leaving in the end? Wouldn't the ytry to get out of the deal? Would they ask for details?
- leaving the underground chamber: They have the possibility to leave underground on their own devices? I got the impression that the chamber was somewhat sealed off from the rest of the world, meaning, no entrance uncaved.
- The end: I liked that. It's screaming for a follow up, i.e. on how Becky deals with her newfound monstrosity.

Well, I don't know if this is what you were looking for, and I apologize if I misunderstood something, or sounded insulting.

[stavner]

Oh no, that's fine! It's just what I needed! I think I need to revise my story, and work out more of the logistics!

[kanshu]

Glad to be of help.
Yes, you might want to look at your scenes with the 'common sense' eye - approaching it by mere technical/law of physics aspects, and also as to what a normal person would do under the circumstances. Like, if a person was dragged down into the ground by some demon, in our regular world most people would freak out, because demons are not really a common sight.
And if you'd go to the police and tell them 'demons kidnapped my hubby' they'd probably lock you up for being insane (I strongly recommend Ghostbusters or Real Ghostbusters about that topic . Of course, it's hugely different if demon attacks are a normal occurance in the Tailspin world.
Oh, one thing that makes me wonder - why did Sekhmet chose Becky, of all persons? Even if there's some limitation in radius of Sekhmet's powers to communicate, you wrote that the excavation just started, which means that there should be (local) helpers who carry away buckets of sand/dirt, assistants who help with drawing, cataloguing and organizing things, a tent where food is served, a tend or two for sleeping... So Sekhmet should have a few more people to chose from, including Richard himself.
Also, I don't know in what historical time Tailspin plays, but if it's recent history, you might want to take into account that Egypt is limiting access of foreigners to archeological stuff. Especially if it's some important new temple that they found. It might pay off if you do a bit research on the topic to add more realism (and maybe more suspense if you describe how possible candidate after possible candidate gets tested and fails. You also could have Becky be tested before she gets chosen for the moster-stuff... I mean, after all, fighting evil is a pretty tough things and demands a lot of courage and determination (not to mention that it can get you into conflicts of all sorts.)

[stavner]

Okay, it looks like I should wait until I've done research before I write this story. This is just a very brief, not well worked out outline, and the suggestions you've made will help me write the full story. I believe Sekhmet chose Becky because Becky has plenty of courage, determination...and anger.

I'm planning on putting up a little vignette--Becky's locked in a cell in Don Karnage's (an air pirate and the show's main villain) ship, and we hear her thoughts as she transforms to save her child and employees from Karnage. Mainly, she gets angrier and angrier until she changes into a form that will allow her to express her anger in a way that will punish Karnage.

[stavner]

Here's the vignette I promised; comment away!

Becky felt the cold metal of the manacles around her wrists as she hung from the wall of her cell in Karnage’s ship.

“I have to get out of here,” she thought. “They’ve taken my daughter away from me, and my employees as well. Why did Baloo have to take that shortcut? He had to know it was dangerous!”

Becky pulled her arms forward. The chains were still attached to the wall.

“My little girl–what is Karnage going to do to her? He could kill her, or sell her, or..I feel so helpless!

“But I won’t be for long.”

Becky leaned back and began to concentrate. There was only one way for her to escape–by calling on the power she’d been given a long time ago, by a goddess.

First, she collected her anger, felt it fully, and concentrated all of it on Karnage. She thought of how he’d hurt her and her loved ones so often in the past.

“He steals from us, keeps trying to kill us. And now he has my child.”

Becky’s anger increased, and as it did, she felt all her inhibitions against being violent slipping away. Society said you had to keep your temper under control, that you weren’t allowed to hit back the ones that made you angry. She would never hurt anyone she loved, even whey they made her mad, but her enemies....

At the same time, Becky’s body began to grow into something fearsome. Her legs and feet stretched into huge, powerful limbs, with feet like a wolf’s, shredding her pants legs as they grew. Her arms stretched as well, several feet long, and with more than enough power to rend solid steel; she pulled her arms forward again, and this time the chains ripped out of the wall. Her torso expanded in one breath, destroying what remained of her outfit.

But the greatest change was in her face. Her nose and mouth lengthened into a long muzzle, filled with teeth like white icepicks. Her eyes filled with a blazing, blood-red fire, and glowed with a mother’s wrath.
Becky stood up, and as she prepared to tear her way out of her cell, she hoped Karnage would scream.

[kanshu]

Oh... Baloo? It's *that* Rebecca?! *falls over laughing* Heh, I know that show. It's called 'Baloo and his crazy crew' here, so no wonder I didn't make the connection to 'Tailspin'.

stavner said:

Becky felt the cold metal of the manacles around her wrists as she hung from the wall of her cell in Karnage’s ship.

Mhm... I don't know if this is the begin of your story, but I, for my part, would be interested as to how she ended up there in the first place.

stavner said:

“I have to get out of here,” she thought. “They’ve taken my daughter away from me, and my employees as well. Why did Baloo have to take that shortcut? He had to know it was dangerous!”

Show, don't tell. These few sentences might sum up what happened, but they do not much for the reader getting attached to the story.
Show the reader how Baloo takes his shortcut, how they end up in the hands of the bad guys in the first place. Why were they separated? Does Becky have reason to believe her child and friens are injured? Did the pirates give any indication as to what they want to do with her?
I understand that this is a lot more to write, but it helps making the story running more smoothly.

stavner said:

Becky pulled her arms forward. The chains were still attached to the wall.

Of course, the chains are still attached to the wall, since you didn't tell us otherwise in the previous scene. It would work better if you described how she pulls and tugs, but no matter how hard she tries, it only makes her wrists raw and her shoulder sore...

stavner said:

“My little girl–what is Karnage going to do to her? He could kill her, or sell her, or..I feel so helpless!

“But I won’t be for long.”

(Before my inner eye, I see something from a 30's pantomime movies with overdramatic acting... Of course, I understand that you didn't mean it to come across that way, but I'm missing the built-up to her mental exclamation. You write that she's upset at Baloo and all, but so far we only know that the pirates caught her, not about her daughter, or her friends - meaning, that the reader will not *feel* her desperation at this point because you didn't paint the image for your audience to see.)

stavner said:

Becky leaned back and began to concentrate. There was only one way for her to escape–by calling on the power she’d been given a long time ago, by a goddess.

Information dump. While it is important that we learn how she gained her abilities, put yourself into Becky's situation at that moment. Your only child is in the hands of pirates, your friends might be dead, and you have a pretty good idea what they will do to you. Now, you have some secret powers (why haven't you used them in the first place to prevent that you and your beloved ones get captured, btw?), but would you actively think about using them? Or would your desperation kick of some... 'automatic response'?
It's important to understand how those powers work, if it's a conscious act, or something based purely on her feelings. Keep in mind that it's hard to manipulate yourself into feeling a certain way. Actors need a lot of training for that.
On the other hand, a power that will be triggered by strong emotions alone can get out of control if Becky is put into a situation that has her extremly angry.
In any case, your Becky seems rather controlled in her thought patterns when one would think that she'd be rather frantic and perhaps strugglng to focus on a specific feeling like hate.

stavner said:

First, she collected her anger, felt it fully, and concentrated all of it on Karnage. She thought of how he’d hurt her and her loved ones so often in the past.

“He steals from us, keeps trying to kill us. And now he has my child.”

You basically repeat yourself in these two paragraphs. Also, it looks as if Becky isn't angry at the pirates at all. She has to focus hard to let that anger flow... Again, put yourself into her situation. How would you react if someone you care deeply about gets kidnapped?

stavner said:

Becky’s anger increased, and as it did, she felt all her inhibitions against being violent slipping away. Society said you had to keep your temper under control, that you weren’t allowed to hit back the ones that made you angry. She would never hurt anyone she loved, even whey they made her mad, but her enemies....

Show, don't tell. This scene loses a lot of its impact and fails to get across some important information... like, the reason *why* Becky has such a strong inhibition to let her anger run free. Social inhibition is all fine, but it's not a strong enough limiter when it comes to hate or violence. It's very easy to throw that first punch, especially when you try to protect someone. So, for her to have inhibitions so strong that she has to actively cut them down requires some explanation.
You could solve that by inner dialogue, maybe added with fragments of memories of her previous turning monster - the "I don't want that" part of her. You could have her try to fight for a different solution first. In short, give the reader a bit more to work with here.

stavner said:

At the same time, Becky’s body began to grow into something fearsome. Her legs and feet stretched into huge, powerful limbs, with feet like a wolf’s, shredding her pants legs as they grew. Her arms stretched as well, several feet long, and with more than enough power to rend solid steel; she pulled her arms forward again, and this time the chains ripped out of the wall. Her torso expanded in one breath, destroying what remained of her outfit.

But the greatest change was in her face. Her nose and mouth lengthened into a long muzzle, filled with teeth like white icepicks. Her eyes filled with a blazing, blood-red fire, and glowed with a mother’s wrath.
Becky stood up, and as she prepared to tear her way out of her cell, she hoped Karnage would scream.

Point of view. You have described things from Becky's POV so far. Now you suddenly switch to the outside, where we can witness the change to Becky. While this is not a bad thing in itself, it breaks the mood.
It might work bettr to describe this from Becky's experience - how *she* feels when her arms stretch. Does she hurt? Do her feelings change? Does she struggle to stay sane or what effect does that monster side have on her?
If you want her looks, you could add in a description later on, when she runs into an enemy, but personally, I'd focus on what Becky sees/feels/smells/tastes/hears for this scene.

Uhhh... I hope that these comments made sense. I'm afraid it turned out rather like a content beta than anything else, so sorry for that. (I have that tendency to go a bit overboard...)

[stavner]

Thanks! I'll revise this right away!

[stavner]

I've done a little revising. In the Becky-monster origin story, I'll start by having Sekhmet look at all the people at the site, and reject them all--she sees the workers as peasants, and Richard isn't strong or angry enough--anger fuels the monster's power. I could have Richard be dragged underground all of a sudden, and have S. watch Becky organize the workers to dig a hole, where passages are found. The passages are full of bones--of those who weren't worthy enough. Becky finds her husband, and sees him about to be killed by a monster. Then, S. bestows her "gift" on Becky, and Becky becomes a monster, then fights and kills the other monster. Then she changes back, and Richard--maybe doesn't see her change--then sees her change back, and then the story ends the way it did before.

As for the vignette, I've decided to start with maybe a handsome guy, maybe one of Richard's old friends, dating Becky. Also, Becky and her employees should be cleaning out some of Becky's old stuff for a yard sale, and find an amulet of S.'s. Maybe we have Becky flash back to when her husband died and Becky rejected S.'s power. Then Becky dates the guy, and it turns out he wants to steal the amulet, and he uses Molly as a hostage. Then the amulet restores Becky's abilities....

I'm at a very early stage of writing--mostly outlines. That's why everything's so sketchy. Thanks for all your help!

[stavner]

I have a question, especially for the ladies out there: if you, like Becky, had the power to become an incredibly strong and powerful being, would you like it, even if you became a monster? You would still have the power to change back to normal.

[kanshu]

That's a good question.

Well... I guess that fully depends on how much control I have over the monster. Being incredibly strong and powerful means that you have a lot of responsibility not to abuse that power. It also means that you have to be careful not to injure innocent (or even the guilty parts - see the entire lawsuit stuff that usually tends to follow arrests where force is used).
Also, another big factor would be if my alter ego would isolate me from my friends and family. It's not easy being different, to *know* that you can do something but won't for the sake of that person who needs to find their own strength.
Talking about strength, if I had such powers, I would be tempted to go the easy way. I mean, violence is easier than stepping back and trying a peaceful solution first. Also, I might fall for the lure to rather bash someone with my super powers than try to work things out on my own devices. I mean, I could take karate lessons to strengthen myself, and use my own power... but if I had that extra-fuel pack, why bother?

So... counting everything together, no, I probably wouldn't want any extra powers like Becky. Admitted, it might come in handy if the situation is a real life and death threatening one... but how often do I, as an average person, get into those? It would do more harm than good.

[stavner]

Is it okay if I do my story as a comics script, or as prose?

[kanshu ultra lazy]

There's no limitation to how you can do your story. However, most people prefer to read prose rather than some script.
As far as I know, script form is not allowed on fanfiction.net - or are you talking about actual drawing a comic?