Post by stavner on Aug 1, 2008 16:40:51 GMT -5
I need some harsh criticism on the following fan script for Kim Arndt's comic "Moondog":
MOONDOG SCRIPT--SAVING JACK'S SHIT
All characters copyright Kim Arndt.
Page 1. Moondog And Topher walk into a grungy comic shop. The place looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in a while.
Topher: Thanks for takin’ me in here, Moon!
Moondog: Just keep quiet an don’t make trouble.
Page 2. The big fat guy at the counter is eating a sandwich and not noticing anything. Topher asks him a question.
Moon walks up to the shelves where the superhero comics are. He picks up several and sorts through them until he finds one he likes.
Moon: Crap, Crap, Crap....Ah! Here’s one that looks good! It’s got Kirby inks!
Topher: Where’s the fuck comics?
Comic Guy: In tha back.
Topher goes in the back. He’s looking at a pile of porn comics. Moon comes in and looks at him disapprovingly.
Moon: Is that all you’re interested in? Porn comics?
Topher: Well, who cares about any other kinds?
Page 3. Moon is talking to Topher and getting really worked up about comics. Moon makes grand motions with his hands.
Moon: Listen! Comics can be about _anything!_ Love, comedy, tragedy, horror, science fiction, superheroes....
Topher points offscreen, Moon looks offscreen.
Topher: Like what’s on the wall there?
Page 4. Moon and Topher look at THE PIECE OF JACK KIRBY’S ORIGINAL ART HANGING ON THE WALL. IT’S FROM AN ANT-MAN STORY.
Moon: O God....
Page 5. Moon gets all excited, Topher asks his question.
Moon: I can’t believe it–a page of Jack Kirby’s original art! It’s from Ant-Man issue 2!
Topher: Ant-Man? I remember seein’ him crawl around in his wife’s cooch in this one comic....
Page 6. Moon shuts Topher’s mouth and turns to the guy at the counter.
Topher: MMPH!
Moon: How much for this art?
Page 7. Closeup of the comic guy–he’s smiling.
Comic Guy: 500 bucks.
Page 8. Moon yells angrily. The comic guy does not sympathize.
Moon: WHAT? But it’s only Ant-Man!
Comic Guy: Yeah, but it’s Jack Kirby Ant-Man! If you want it, you should go get a job!
Page 9. Mr. Goldsty’s office. Moon is sitting in from of Goldsty’s desk, begging Goldsty for a loan. Goldsty looks on disapprovingly.
Moon: So this is really, really important to me, so if you could just give me five–
Moon is still sitting, Goldsty gets up from his desk.
Goldsty: Kid, I make it a policy to NEVER loan money to my employees. Most of ‘em tend to leave here too quickly. You’ll hafta EARN the money you need to buy that Kirghiz!
Page 10. Goldsty puts his arm around Moon. Moon is happy and does not know what he’s in for.
Goldsty: Tell ya what–you’re a good artist, and I want some “etchings” for my private collection. I’ll pay ya 10 bucks per picture, anything I want. Deal?
Moon: DEAL!
Page 11. Interior of Diddlin’ Office. M is hard at work on a particularly nasty commission. Kat asks him something.
Kat: Hey Rembrandt! I need a spot illustration for “Dusty’s Diaries” before 2 o’clock!
Moon: Must keep drawing–cock in anus!
Kat: Yuck! Why would ANYBODY want to draw that! Why aren’t you working on stuff for the magazine?
Moon: I’m doing a commission for the boss–he wanted two herm chicks doin’ anal sex!
Kat looks at it, and makes a disgusted expression.
Kat: Ew! That’s gotta hurt for any artist to draw! Why would you work on anything like that outside of work?
Moon: I wanna buy a page of Jack Kirby’s original art. I’m almost done with this, then I’ll do your picture!
Goldsty offscreen: Moondog! I need you to do another watersports drawing!
Kat: I’ll get someone else to do it. Enjoy yourself.
Moon: Awww.
Page 12. A montage of Moondog drawing all kinds of perverted stuff for Mr. Goldsty. The strain is taking its toll.
Goldsty: Two girls yiffin’ a robot, that shoots pee out its butt!
Moon: Ohhh....
Goldsty: Two guys fuckin’ a guy in a rubber suit!
Moon: Groannn...
Goldsty: Shitting dick nipples! Both girls!
Moon: AAAAHHHH!
Moon: I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE! YOU SICK FUCK! YOU SICK, SICK FUCK!
Moon: (cries)
Page 13. Jack Kirby’s spirit appears to Moon.
Kirby: Look at ya! Is that any way ta talk!
Kirby: I hadda take a lotta shit from employers, maybe not as bad as you, but I still hadda do stuff I didn’t like! You almost earned enough money ta buy my art kid, don’t blow it!
Kirby disappears. Moon goes back to work, energized.
Page 14. Moon has a wad of cash. He prepares to leave to get Kirby’s art. Topher watches him go.
Moon: Well, I’m off to save Jack’s art from that asshole! Whatcha doin’?
Topher: Have fun!
Page 15. Moon goes inside the shop, then comes out with the art.
Moon: At last!
Page 16. Next day at work. Moon is showing off his prize to Kat. Kat is a little impressed, even though it's Ant-Man.
Moon: Yep, this baby cost me 500 bucks, but it was worth it to save a pice of comics history!
Kat: Y'know, if you really wanted to protect it, you'd send it to a comics museum. There's a Jack Kirby Museum in Hoboken, you should send it there!
Page 17. Moon walks by Goldsty's office while talking to Kat.
Moon: I will! But first I'll show this to the boss!
Moon steps into the office. Goldsty is eating a messy sandwich.
Moon: Uh, boss, I....
Goldsty looks up and sees Moon holding the page of art.
Goldsty: Whatcha got there, son? So that's what I've been givin' ya money for?
Page 18: Goldsty grabs the page AND GETS SANDWICH SAUCE AND CHEESE ALL OVER THE ART AND RUINS IT while Moon looks on in horror.
Goldsty: This scribbling is what you got with my money? Boy, you got some strange tastes, kid!
Page 19. Moon walks out of the office, holding scraps of paper. He is in tears. Jack Kirby appears behind him.
Kirby: Well, ya can't win 'em all, kid. But it was just Ant-Man, anyway.
THE END
The comic is at: moondog.tripshotpress.com
Kim already gave me permission to write this, I'm waiting to make enough money to hire an artist.
MOONDOG SCRIPT--SAVING JACK'S SHIT
All characters copyright Kim Arndt.
Page 1. Moondog And Topher walk into a grungy comic shop. The place looks like it hasn’t been cleaned in a while.
Topher: Thanks for takin’ me in here, Moon!
Moondog: Just keep quiet an don’t make trouble.
Page 2. The big fat guy at the counter is eating a sandwich and not noticing anything. Topher asks him a question.
Moon walks up to the shelves where the superhero comics are. He picks up several and sorts through them until he finds one he likes.
Moon: Crap, Crap, Crap....Ah! Here’s one that looks good! It’s got Kirby inks!
Topher: Where’s the fuck comics?
Comic Guy: In tha back.
Topher goes in the back. He’s looking at a pile of porn comics. Moon comes in and looks at him disapprovingly.
Moon: Is that all you’re interested in? Porn comics?
Topher: Well, who cares about any other kinds?
Page 3. Moon is talking to Topher and getting really worked up about comics. Moon makes grand motions with his hands.
Moon: Listen! Comics can be about _anything!_ Love, comedy, tragedy, horror, science fiction, superheroes....
Topher points offscreen, Moon looks offscreen.
Topher: Like what’s on the wall there?
Page 4. Moon and Topher look at THE PIECE OF JACK KIRBY’S ORIGINAL ART HANGING ON THE WALL. IT’S FROM AN ANT-MAN STORY.
Moon: O God....
Page 5. Moon gets all excited, Topher asks his question.
Moon: I can’t believe it–a page of Jack Kirby’s original art! It’s from Ant-Man issue 2!
Topher: Ant-Man? I remember seein’ him crawl around in his wife’s cooch in this one comic....
Page 6. Moon shuts Topher’s mouth and turns to the guy at the counter.
Topher: MMPH!
Moon: How much for this art?
Page 7. Closeup of the comic guy–he’s smiling.
Comic Guy: 500 bucks.
Page 8. Moon yells angrily. The comic guy does not sympathize.
Moon: WHAT? But it’s only Ant-Man!
Comic Guy: Yeah, but it’s Jack Kirby Ant-Man! If you want it, you should go get a job!
Page 9. Mr. Goldsty’s office. Moon is sitting in from of Goldsty’s desk, begging Goldsty for a loan. Goldsty looks on disapprovingly.
Moon: So this is really, really important to me, so if you could just give me five–
Moon is still sitting, Goldsty gets up from his desk.
Goldsty: Kid, I make it a policy to NEVER loan money to my employees. Most of ‘em tend to leave here too quickly. You’ll hafta EARN the money you need to buy that Kirghiz!
Page 10. Goldsty puts his arm around Moon. Moon is happy and does not know what he’s in for.
Goldsty: Tell ya what–you’re a good artist, and I want some “etchings” for my private collection. I’ll pay ya 10 bucks per picture, anything I want. Deal?
Moon: DEAL!
Page 11. Interior of Diddlin’ Office. M is hard at work on a particularly nasty commission. Kat asks him something.
Kat: Hey Rembrandt! I need a spot illustration for “Dusty’s Diaries” before 2 o’clock!
Moon: Must keep drawing–cock in anus!
Kat: Yuck! Why would ANYBODY want to draw that! Why aren’t you working on stuff for the magazine?
Moon: I’m doing a commission for the boss–he wanted two herm chicks doin’ anal sex!
Kat looks at it, and makes a disgusted expression.
Kat: Ew! That’s gotta hurt for any artist to draw! Why would you work on anything like that outside of work?
Moon: I wanna buy a page of Jack Kirby’s original art. I’m almost done with this, then I’ll do your picture!
Goldsty offscreen: Moondog! I need you to do another watersports drawing!
Kat: I’ll get someone else to do it. Enjoy yourself.
Moon: Awww.
Page 12. A montage of Moondog drawing all kinds of perverted stuff for Mr. Goldsty. The strain is taking its toll.
Goldsty: Two girls yiffin’ a robot, that shoots pee out its butt!
Moon: Ohhh....
Goldsty: Two guys fuckin’ a guy in a rubber suit!
Moon: Groannn...
Goldsty: Shitting dick nipples! Both girls!
Moon: AAAAHHHH!
Moon: I CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE! YOU SICK FUCK! YOU SICK, SICK FUCK!
Moon: (cries)
Page 13. Jack Kirby’s spirit appears to Moon.
Kirby: Look at ya! Is that any way ta talk!
Kirby: I hadda take a lotta shit from employers, maybe not as bad as you, but I still hadda do stuff I didn’t like! You almost earned enough money ta buy my art kid, don’t blow it!
Kirby disappears. Moon goes back to work, energized.
Page 14. Moon has a wad of cash. He prepares to leave to get Kirby’s art. Topher watches him go.
Moon: Well, I’m off to save Jack’s art from that asshole! Whatcha doin’?
Topher: Have fun!
Page 15. Moon goes inside the shop, then comes out with the art.
Moon: At last!
Page 16. Next day at work. Moon is showing off his prize to Kat. Kat is a little impressed, even though it's Ant-Man.
Moon: Yep, this baby cost me 500 bucks, but it was worth it to save a pice of comics history!
Kat: Y'know, if you really wanted to protect it, you'd send it to a comics museum. There's a Jack Kirby Museum in Hoboken, you should send it there!
Page 17. Moon walks by Goldsty's office while talking to Kat.
Moon: I will! But first I'll show this to the boss!
Moon steps into the office. Goldsty is eating a messy sandwich.
Moon: Uh, boss, I....
Goldsty looks up and sees Moon holding the page of art.
Goldsty: Whatcha got there, son? So that's what I've been givin' ya money for?
Page 18: Goldsty grabs the page AND GETS SANDWICH SAUCE AND CHEESE ALL OVER THE ART AND RUINS IT while Moon looks on in horror.
Goldsty: This scribbling is what you got with my money? Boy, you got some strange tastes, kid!
Page 19. Moon walks out of the office, holding scraps of paper. He is in tears. Jack Kirby appears behind him.
Kirby: Well, ya can't win 'em all, kid. But it was just Ant-Man, anyway.
THE END
The comic is at: moondog.tripshotpress.com
Kim already gave me permission to write this, I'm waiting to make enough money to hire an artist.