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Post by Me-Nuriko on Dec 7, 2004 10:21:32 GMT -5
If anyone has something special to say about those challenge stories, I would be grateful. The meaning with the challenge is to improve one self, and all help from fellow writers are appreciated. It's hard to know what is good and bad with only a couple of numbers to judge by. So please feel free to tell me I suck, but if you do, please tell me how, and what I can do make it better.  First entry: Only a Fighter? www.fanfiction.net/s/2085616/1/Second entry: The Problem With Clothes www.fanfiction.net/s/2194657/1/Third Entry: Moral Dilemma www.fanfiction.net/s/2256365/1/ |
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Post by KarotsaMused on Jan 1, 2005 15:00:31 GMT -5
I rather enjoyed both of your entries thus far. However, I've got a question - for this most recent entry, did you have a beta? At the risk of revealing myself as a grammar nazi, there were a few glaring errors that disrupted the flow of your prose. Then again, perhaps my radar is oversensitive in that respect. You may well have been taking Shido's perspective...but when his thoughts were not italicised or denoted by single inverted commas it was kind of hard to tell that he was thinking. However...what a concept to take on the theme of getting dressed! Madoka's got sensuality down when it comes to her finer senses - you nabbed the best setup, that's for sure. |
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Post by Me-Nuriko on Jan 1, 2005 16:59:27 GMT -5
Beta? Unfortunately not. ^^;; It's because I was so late so there wasn't any time to get it checked by a beta. I know that is a bad idea, but I let it slip this time. I promise I will try to be more thorough next time.  About Shido's thoughts: To me it works fine the way it is. There are only a few sentences where I might think I could have used some marking to show that it was thoughts, and I don't think it's necesssary even in those sentences. But... I may be wrong about this. If I am, I must admit my ignorance and ask for guidance. I'm glad you liked the setup. ;D Thank you so much for reading and commenting. It's much appreciated. |
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Post by KarotsaMused on Jan 1, 2005 17:45:30 GMT -5
Hee, about the beta-ing, it's totally alright. I know nobody has time to get *everything* proofread, and it didn't detract from your message. See, the thing about Shido's thoughts - I'm *exceptionally* dense when it comes to discerning narrative from internal monologue, and I figure I can't be the only one. It's always good to err on the denotative side. Plus, a piece of writing is clearest to the author, and it gets harder and harder to understand depending on the sets of eyes laid upon it thereafter. *scratches back of head* Heh, rereading some of my old stuff, I'm not even sure what was thought and what was narration. This may just be my own special problem  |
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Post by Me-Nuriko on Jan 1, 2005 19:03:21 GMT -5
I don't know if I'm asking too much from you, but if you have time, could you give me some example from my story where you think I should have marked the thoughts?
So, what do you all other guys think? I find this very interesting, and it's something I haven't given much thought, so all comments on the issue are welcome.
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Post by KarotsaMused on Jan 1, 2005 22:55:07 GMT -5
No problem, dear! This is what I do for fun This here is an example of your informal narrative. This isn't confusing, per se, but it is a strange break in the narrative. I dunno, it's somewhere between third-person omniscient and first-person. If, perhaps, it went, "But if Madoka wanted him to, he would. Shit, the Snake Bastard is right. She's turned me into a tamed animal. Strangely enough, Shido didn't mind that at all." An interjection of thought makes it flow a little better, drops the informality, and doesn't lose the flavor of the passage. Also note where I quietly edited punctuation Aack! Rhetorical questions! These are what can really be confusing - even if I keep in mind the highly informal style you've taken, are you the narrator asking this question for Shido, or is Shido asking this question of himself? It seems obvious to you, but that's only because you intended it a certain way. You know? Especially because this particular rhetorical question has no tense clues (Later on you have "What were these made of?" which is obviously from the narrator's point of view...but it would probably make a better italicized thoughtbubble straight from Shido's brain in the present tense.) Here, more than ever, you need italics. I mean, these are blatant thoughts, right? And yet they are sitting in a rather large block of text (Nothing against large paragraphs, mind you, but they have been proven to do things to tired eyes) with nothing to denote them as Shido's particular inner monologue. Which is really a shame, because the repetition of nouns to the self is something I often note with preoccupied people and gives Shido a nice little touch. As for your third-person interpretations of his inner musings (notably the big paragraph before Madoka comes in), that's formatted just as would be hoped - the problem I have is that thoughts straight from Shido's brain aren't denoted. It would be like leaving quotation marks out of a batch of dialogue. Sure, we can, with a bit of work, figure out that someone is saying something, but why leave room for doubt? Hopefully I make sense  |
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Post by Me-Nuriko on Jan 2, 2005 3:14:52 GMT -5
Wow! Thanks! You gave me something to think about here. It's wonderful with help like this. I really want to develop my writing skills, and I appreciate your help immensely. Thanks again. |
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Post by KarotsaMused on Jan 2, 2005 14:30:34 GMT -5
No problem. Glad to help. Oh, and I got your review for "One Leg" and laughed - clever you  |
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Post by Me-Nuriko on Feb 11, 2005 4:11:32 GMT -5
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Post by lazy Karot on Feb 11, 2005 21:05:51 GMT -5
Ooh, *touchy* subject, Ban fighting with Ginji. I particularly adore how they diffuse one another, though. There were, I admit, a few grammatical errors (But I'm sure you don't -really- want a lecture on quotational punctuation) that didn't really interrupt the flow of the story... and, well, I've seen so little of Getbackers that I can't be any judge of character, but I genuinely liked the piece. It feels really solid Good work. |
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