Cho Hakkai: Murderer? chapter 10

[Me-Nuriko]

I've just posted chapter ten on ff.net. If anyone wants to discuss something that's a little longer than what is okay in just an ordinary review, you can do it here.^^;; ;D

I know there are things that can be discussed.

I've got a technical question myself: How do I get QuickEdit to show my marks for a new scene? Like
---
that?

[kanshu]

Quickedit won't take dots and stuff any more. Talk about 'improvement'.

It takes letters, though. I use
xx.


But I'm sure you can use ii or ll because they are much smaller.

Chapter ten. Read through it "on the way out". It was a change of style... Or maybe I just need to reread the entire story. But if I remember correctly, you never had extended explananation "from an outside view" before, had you?
I liked the explanations as to why and what happened. The Sanzo-gang's interactions seemed okay, too. And I loved Sanzo's "I don't want to hear anything of you tonight." LOL, that one had me laughing. That's SO Sanzo.

In any case, I will have to read the chapter again properly tonight, and then I'll leave a proper review.

[Me-Nuriko]

Thanks for the advice. I'll do that.

No, I hadn't done an 'outside view' before. I wrote this scene in two versions, but I liked this one better and my beta agreed. We both thought it would work doing the scene this way. That might be a matter of opinion, but as I said we both liked it.

I'm glad you liked Sanzo's comment, too. He is funny to write, even if he can be difficult. ;D

[kanshu]

Well, I didn't say that the narrative was bad, it was just a complete break of style compared to all the other chapters. To see it in the chapter before the end was somehow surprising. But as I said before, it all was wrapped up nicely.
The Gojyo/Hakkai scenes were very nicely done and not over the top. And IMO... I wouldn't go beyond that 'level'. It fits the story nicely, with the comfort and closeness. But that's just me.
Anyway, I'm curious to see how Tami will wind her way out of it, and if Hakkai's nightmares might make him do bad stuff in the end.

[cesmith]

Hi, sorry it's taken so long to post this. Hope all is well, have missed you the last few days.

I liked the dialogue in Chapter ten. It was really good. It explained everything and moved the story forward. I loved the exchange about the trigger happy Monk and where Hakkai heals Gojyo, even when he was asked not to. I loved Sanzo's I don't wanna hear you two and the Good morning Sleeping Beauties from Goku. I loved how Gojyo wanted to lie to Hakkai abut Tomi.

The thing I missed in this chapter is what I associate most with your writing, the rich descriptions. Without them the chapter felt rushed, the dialogue bounced back and forth between the characters.

Chapter six, Yaones' visit, was similar to Chapter ten, but there was more description to slow the dialogue pace down.

I think I missed the description most because Chapter nine was by far your best chapter. It was full of descriptions, great dialogue and wonderfully written action.

I cringed with sympathy through most of the beginning of Chapter nine. I felt a part of what was happening. Gojyo's anxiety, his anger, his frustration. I felt Hakkai's pain as he was lashed by the whip.

Of course Gojyo would do the surgery. He's taken care of Hakkai's serious injuries before, and I know he wouldn't trust anyone else to do it. I loved how Sanzo was relegated to boiling water.

I do feel sorry for Tomi. If Nii-hakase hadn't offered her the chance to frame Hakkai, she probably never would have tried. She was manipulated by him like so many others.

You mentioned you had two different versions of chapter ten. What was different about the other one?

[Me-Nuriko]

Well, I've been away over the weekend again. That's why I haven't been able to post anything here. Being out of computer sucks.

Ah, my bad rushing habit. I really have to work with that. Now I must go through the next chapter to see if it's rushed, too.

Yes, Tomi is a victim, too. I can't help but feel a little sorry for her. I mean Gonou did kill her entire family. (Ouch, I suddenly got a 'Mary Sue' feeling here. You know, a sad past and all that. I never meant her to be a Mary Sue.^^;; )

I'm glad you liked chapter nine. That's one of my favorite chapters, too.

In chapter ten I wrote the scene that was from an outside POV, in two versions. The other version was from Gojyo's POV as the rest of the story. In that version they were just sitting listening to Heng when he told his story. But that version was even shorter than the one I used.

[cesmith]

Please don't think I didn't like the dialogue, I did. It was perfect, it's just that without the descriptions to break it up it felt like it picked up speed with each sentence, and as I said, chapter 9 was SO good, it seemed to emphasize the different approaches you used.

Ah, but she isn't a true Mary-Sue. The guys aren't all in love with her and she isn't perfect or beautiful or have super powers. If she didn't share Hakkai's tragic past there wouln't have been the desire for revenge, therefore no story. She is an OC that drives the plot.

Have you decided how you are going to approach chapter 11? I know you were agonizing about it last week.

[Me-Nuriko]

I never thought Tomi to be a Mary Sue, so I'm glad you see her as I have done all the time (until I suddenly saw 'TRAGIC PAST' ;D ).

Chapter eleven, yes, I'm going to write what I want to read. When I'm posting it I'll post a message here about what's safe to read, to OptiMoose and others here who don't want to read a love scene.

I talked about the ratings with my beta, and she said the scene wasn't 'worse' than her love scenes in 'Awakenings', and she had kept it PG-13. So I'm going to keep PG-13, too.

[kanshu]

Tomi isn't a Mary Sue, not at all. She's lacking the key criterias for being one. And believe me, I'm usually very sensitive about that topic.

And I don't have any problems with PG-13 ratable love scenes. I just would have hated to stumble into something... uh... "too vivid". 'R' is no kiddie stuff, after all.
So I'm glad you keep it at PG-13, and I'm sure that a lot of your other readers will be glad as well that you don't snatch the fic and place it in a higher rating just for the sake of having them hump each other 'more graphic'.

In any case, I said it before, and I'm saying it again - I'm looking forward to the final chapter.

[cesmith]

Looking forward to it too , but then I will be so sad , unless you have another story in the works . See, I am so greedy. Sorry . Well, got to go, time to give my cat his insulin shot.

[Me-Nuriko]

I'm a little anxious about the rating. In my opinion it's okay with PG-13, I wouldn't mind my kids to have read it from the age of thirteen. But, some may disagree. This is what my beta wrote to me about the rating:
"I think this could stay PG-13. You've got them naked, but there's no description of their nude bodies/body parts; your description focuses on the kissing and touching. I think it's really hot without being too explicit.
It's clear what's happening, but you don't describe their coupling in specific terms or with loaded sexual words. I don't think it's any more explicit than the scenes I wrote in "Awakenings," and I left those PG-13."

I hope this gives you an idea of what I wrote. I will post the chapter as soon as I'm done looking through it, and got the last edit from my beta.

If anyone wants to skip the love scene, just read until they enter their room at the inn, and then skip until there comes a break, xXx (or something like that).

As for other stories, well, I'm working on a FAKE fic, but I don't know when it will be finished. I have been really busy the last couple of weeks and haven't had much time to write. Hopefully I will find some time from now on.

[cesmith]

Sometimes wonder how any of you find time to write and have your normal busy lives. All I can say is thank you for finding the time, because it makes what little free time I have all the more enjoyable.

I know it's hard for people to agree on what is acceptable when it comes to sex scenes and what is age appropriate. As you once wrote, it has a lot to do with the attitudes you were raised with. I haven't really had to think about it with my 13 year old yet, but he hugged his girl/friend goodbye today and I realized it's time for a refresher sex talk. Did you read OptiMooses' Fanfiction recommendations? Let's just hope my Husband does a better job than those three idiots did with Goku.

[kanshu]

Me-Nuriko: If it's nothing too explicit, it's okay with me. And if it's just what you described, then the PG-13 should be okay, IMO. So I'll probably read those scenes just like the ones in the last chapter, without skipping.

Though, from a writer's POV, I still don't think that the fic *does* really need such a... er... 'recreational scene' to end well, but that's why there's this thing called "different taste", right?

cesmith: I'd really hope we can revive the talk about ratings in the fanfic terms section. I thought it would help to get a better idea about how ratings should be defined to really work and all. Because I do think it's worth a thought or two.
Unfortunately, the feedback so far was near zero.
As for "the talk" - good luck with your son. But I guess that your hubby will do the job just fine. You can always borrow Mr. Fox and Miss Bunny from Hakkai, otherwise. ;D

[cesmith]

Thank God it's just a follow-up talk and not the original one.

Mr. Fox and Miss Bunny didn't do too good a job for Poor Goku. Definately shows you DON'T WAIT until they're 18 to have THAT discussion. And Sanzo's explaination was too blunt and Graphic for the poor boy, it's a wonder he ever went near any of them again. Still, I loved the sequel best, it had me laughing and groaning more.

[kanshu]

Congrats for you third place with this story on the Echoes page.

*hugs*